The Anxious Generation Summary - Book Club Plus Recap
- Rachel Sklar
- 1 day ago
- 6 min read
Our Boy Mom Academy Book Club+ conversation about The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt was one of those discussions where you could feel everyone leaning in. Today, I'm sharing a recap.
How We Opened
I started by welcoming everyone and sharing why I host these conversations: to help parents (especially of boys) navigate today’s tech landscape without sacrificing connection at home. I introduced The Boy Mom Method and why I focus on boys - because their needs, wiring, and social context are more different than we realize, and many mainstream approaches don’t fit well for families with strong-willed or neurodivergent kids.
I framed the book’s central tension in plain language: kids are often overprotected offline and underprotected online. Our goal is not perfection; it’s to build capability in real life while giving kids “training wheels” online.
Our guest speaker then introduced herself and explained why this topic matters in her family.
One Mom's Story: When The Hooks Work
Our guest speaker shared a powerful account of her son’s struggle with social media. At one point, he was picking up his phone over 200 times a day. That led to an intervention at home and a long season of support. She connected his experience to the way platforms are designed - drawing on habit-loop ideas that make it hard for developing brains to disengage. She also described how his online identity began to crowd out his real-world identity, and how that shift hurt.
She put this in context: in communities where academic pressure is high and social media is a default social channel, kids can feel double pressure, as if “everyone’s on it” and “everyone’s ahead.” She also described the bind her daughter feels with Snapchat: it’s where friend groups live, so restrictions translate into social isolation.
I underlined a key developmental point from the book: there’s a sensitive window for cultural learning roughly between ages 9 to 15. The book argues that delaying smartphones until high school and social media until ~16 helps protect that window. Whether or not a family can delay that long, the idea helps us consider the risks.
Protect and Prepare
We talked about what “overprotected offline / underprotected online” looks like in everyday life. I shared examples from the book whereby schools that locked phones away during class and saw immediate culture shifts for the better. I also introduced Let Grow (letgrow.org - the program the book references) as a way to build real-world capability. Think: small, doable challenges that grow independence.
From there, we moved into practical strategies families are trying, and what the group has learned the hard way.
Elementary Years: Wins and Friction Areas
Several parents of younger kids described simple structures that help:
Phone-free time: meals, car rides, and bedtimes.
Alternatives to keep handy: books and small games for restaurants instead of a phone or iPad.
Awareness of self: noticing our own scrolling and how it affects the culture we create at home.
A recurring theme: The amount of screen time seems less important than the form it takes; short-form, infinite-scrolling produces a different dopamine curve than long-form or shared family media (e.g., are TV shows better than shorts?)
The middle years: social pressure and “forbidden fruit”
As we shifted to tweens and early teens, the conversation around social squeeze got real. Several parents described feeling like they’re co-parenting with the whole school. Even in districts with strong phone policies, the off-campus culture still exerts pressure.
We named a paradox: strict prohibition can sometimes turn screens into forbidden fruit, driving secrecy (e.g., hidden accounts) and eroding trust. Families who pivoted from “No, never” to “Yes, with scaffolds and visibility” found more honest, even if the rules were still firm. Nevertheless, the book made everyone think twice about whether and when to give a phone during middle school.
A phrase that helped: move from protecting to preparing. Early on, we protect by limiting access. As kids mature, we prepare by practicing skills together.
Scaffolds that stuck
Parents shared tools and structures that felt doable:
“Driver’s ed for apps.” Before kids go solo on devices (especially group texting and shorts), log real-time side-by-side hours on the apps. Think: “50 hours” of time spent side by side teaching your child to think critically about what they see.
Training-wheels tech. Starter phones without browsers/social (e.g., pared-down devices) or tightly configured phones with written contracts.
Shared norms. Phone baskets during key windows like playdates; no phones in bedrooms; agreed party rules (phones away so kids actually play).
Contracts. Clear expectations and consequences that kids co-sign. Several families are iterating these as they go.
We also touched on gaming. Many families find old-school console games easier to manage than phone games, and some even make it a family ritual (with bonus lessons in sportsmanship for sore-loser phases).
Neurodivergence: regulate vs. dysregulate
We dug into how screens affect ND kids differently. For some, predictable, long-form or routine-based use can regulate. For others, rapid-fire novelty dysregulates, especially short-form video and fast reward loops. Each parent needs to assess their own child's reality and relationship with screens.
Two practical takeaways emerged:
Routines are everything. If a screen becomes part of a specific routine (e.g., at meals or on the toilet), it’s harder to unwind later, so be intentional about where screens do not live.
Boundaries can feel like care. Even when kids protest, consistent limits often (not always) reduce anxiety and increase safety over time.
The hard topic we can’t ignore: pornography
Parents surfaced how easily kids can encounter explicit content - even through unexpected apps. The mood in the room was honest and concerned, not panicked. A few resources mentioned as helpful for parent scripts and readiness included Defend Young Minds, Fight the New Drug, and Culture Reframed.
We named a tension many of us feel: wanting to be sex-positive while also recognizing that mainstream porn often models aggression, misogyny, and dynamics that are not developmentally appropriate. The group emphasized open conversations, monitoring where appropriate, and responding with calm when (not if) porn exposure happens.
ADHD and susceptibility
We acknowledged what many families see: kids with ADHD can be more susceptible to the “sticky” qualities of certain apps and games. A few parents shared big changes after removing tablets entirely; others found a middle path by structuring time/places and pairing screens with other regulating activities. There was strong agreement that modeling matters because our own device habits set the baseline culture at home (a hard truth).
Three questions to teach critical thinking
Midway through, I offered three prompts I learned from sex educator Anya Manes, which you can use with your kids (and yourself) when something online is pushing a strong reaction:
What does the creator want you to think?
Is it true?
What is true?
These help kids slow down, check claims, and reconnect to their own values.
What the chat added (themes, anonymized)
The side chat was generous and practical. A few standouts:
Community matters. Several parents said just hearing “me too” from other parents in the room eased the isolation.
Monitored > secret. When total bans led to hidden accounts, switching to a known, monitored account reduced secrecy and conflict.
House rules that travel. Phone baskets, no phone zones, and event-based rules (e.g., phones away at parties) were popular.
Starter gear skepticism. Some kids reject “kiddie” watches/phones; others accept them when they look like peers’ devices but stay limited.
Hidden risks. Vault apps disguise content; explicit audio or images can appear in unexpected places. Assume kids are clever and will crack your codes; build trust, respect, and guardrails.
Big feeling underneath. Many named grief over lost connection as the real pain point of modern screen life; they found that sturdy, loving boundaries often restore connection over time.
How we closed
We ended with gratitude for the honesty in the room and a reminder that small, consistent moves beat big, short-lived overhauls. Pick one or two changes, make them visible, and stick with them long enough to feel the cultural shift at home.
Examples to try this week :
Make one meal a day phone-free for everyone.
Start a phone basket and use it from school pickup to bedtime.
Draft (or revise) a simple phone contract together.
Do one “driver’s ed” session: sit side-by-side and explore an app together with commentary.
Let's Keep Going
Our next Boy Mom Support Circle is coming up. We'll keep working on this "protect and prepare" approach, including actual scripts you can use and structures that fit real life.
Thank you for doing this hard work. Thank you for caring enough to figure it out. You're not alone.
❤️ Rachel
What's Next for the
Boy Mom Book Club+
We're reading Boy Mom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity by Ruth Whippman. If you don't have time to read, I always provide a list of curated alternatives (podcasts, articles, videos) so you can feel prepared to join the discussion.
When: December 11, 2025 at 12pm PT
If you're reading this after December 11, 2025, and want information on the next book, send me a message or join my list.
The Boy Mom Book Club+ is a feature of The Boy Mom Academy - a paid membership program for boy moms. Our book club+ meetings are open to the public. To learn more, visit www.theboymomacademy.com
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